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is it ok if i don't trust you with my heart anymore?

Tue, 01 Apr 2014 16:19:48 +0100

date me

be my boyfriend

be the perfect boyfriend

be the cutest thing ever

hold my heart

then crush it.

crush it so hard that i won't ever feel love again

when i had you again

i thought that this was it

that i wouldn't be putting up walls anymore

never did it ever occur to me that i would be putting up walls again

walls around my heart to keep from hurting.

walls against you.

you're the only thing that makes me weak

it might sound sweet but it's a bad thing

when i started going out with you

it took time for me to get used to it

i was always guarded

but that was what i was used to

being alone for years you learn some tricks

to protect yourself

but it gets tiring

i realized it was tiring when i didn't need to be that guarded anymore

because someone will be there for me now

that it's fine to be weak because someone will be strong for me now

that it's ok to be myself because someone will protect me

but i never asked who will protect me from you.

i never asked because i didn't think you would ever hurt me

not this way

i never thought i would ever doubt your love for me

the forever you promised me

is it ok if i don't trust you with my heart anymore?

i want to stop caring

but this scares me because i know the moment i stop,

i might fall out of love with you

Black and White

Sat, 15 Mar 2014 15:37:14 +0100

"Crazy about each other, crazy about each other..."

"Because when you're in love,
Nothing else could possibly matter more, than the one you love."

Duration

Tue, 11 Feb 2014 17:21:30 +0100

Give me a week maybe.

Previously on...

Wed, 12 Feb 2014 01:34:22 +0100

So here's what I found out today.

The ex lived with him.

In his house.

With his family.

While they were together.

With his family.

With his ate, his brother, his dad, his stepmom, the dogs.

They lived together.

Can someone tell me what to properly feel about that?

Inggit ba?

Or galit?

Kase I definitely feel both, and some.

I have no idea they were that serious.

The scenes kept playing in my head.

I can't help it.

Kisses before he leaves the house for work.

Kisses when he gets home.

Kisses when he's pagod.

Preparing food for him.

Making his coffee.

Touching all the time.

Freaking holding hands while eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Freaking holding hands while watching tv.

FREAKING cuddling. Sleeping.

Waking up next to each other.

The cute "Hey's" in the morning.

Lazy weekends in bed.

I get it ok?

It's the past and I get that he wasn't always mine.

He gets to have a life after me.

Pero I can't help but compare.

This happened to him within weeks after we broke up.

And they were that serious.

I mean, how could you do that?

How COULD you?

When I can't even cuddle and freaking hold hands YEARS after we broke up.

Because I was still yours and you didn't even know it.

Heck, I didn't even know it.

You said you just "clicked" with her. Whatever the fuck that means.

So you "clicked" weeks after we broke up.

And I had my first crush 3 YEARS after you.

I know, I know it's still not your fault.

It's not your fault I became a heartless bitch after we broke up.

Was it different for me, than it was for him? I mean our relationship.
Was it differentfor me?
He said he was at his lowest during those times, our breaking up days.
But wasn't I depressed?
Wasn't I unhappy? YEARS even after we broke up?

When I first found out about them, his new girl.

I thought it was pretty fast. Everyone did.

Then I thought that maybe he's one of those people.

The ones who can't stay single for long.

One of those who always have to have someone to say "I love you" to.

Or their hearts get lonely.

But then they broke up, and he stayed single for a long time.

Does that mean that he didn't get over her until now?

No no no no brain, please don't go there.
Or was she her rebound from me?
Really? Rebound ng dalawang taon??
NO.

Anyway,

I know there's a more mature way to approach this discovery.

And I'm sorry I have immature feelings.

But I can't help it.

I guess I kind of felt betrayed, in a way.

But that still wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his fault that he wasn't always mine,

While I was always his. Even subconsciously.

No that wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his fault that we're different kinds of people.

I guess that it's partly inggit I feel.

Over a lot of things.

The things mentioned above.

The things I picture them doing.

She, the ex, doesn't have a face in my mind.

I just know that she's this cutesy girl.

The kind that I usually can't stand because I'm a bitch who hates overly cute girls.

So yon, inggit I guess, kase she got to live with him.

And inggit kahit na I'm NOT AT ALL ready to live with him.

I mean, I can't even let him call me "wifey" for fuck's sake!

Kase I think that that's too serious.

I can't even let him tell me stuff like he wants to marry me kase it's too serious for me.

I mean being called "wifey" feels nice pero I can't help but feel na masyadong seryoso.

It's no one's fault but mine.

Kase duwag yung heart ko.

I feel this inggit kase duwag yung heart ko, while hers isn't.

You see, naiinggit ako na kaya nyang gawin yon.

Be that serious with him.

Pero takot naman ako maging ganon kaseryoso.

My heart isn't ready.

I know na pag pinagpatuloy ko yung ganto, I'll end up losing him.

Can someone stab me now?

Para matapos na.

I'm not making sense anymore.

Kaya nga TELL ME.

What am I supposed to feel about this?

I'm confused.

It's a heavy feeling, and I don't want it.

I wish I didn't find out.

I think he wasn't expecting this kind of reaction from me.

It's not his fault.

It's not his fault that I can't be mature about this.

Pero sabi nila wala naman daw mababaw na reasons.

Kase what if for you mababaw, pero for that person, iba yung meaning.

I don't know.

Ayoko na i-justify yung pagiging immature ko.

I want to forget about it.

Pero whenever I see his face.

Lagi kong naiisip,

"How could you?"

Really, can someone coach me?

What am I supposed to feel about this?

The Escape from Singledom

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 13:01:14 +0100

Draft 1

Minsan, when I'm just sitting down, not doing anything,

I avoid closing my eyes, and my thoughts going deep.

Kase if I do that, my mind tends to go to places I don't want to be.

The cute things he does plays in my mind like a slideshow.

I mean I like being there, because he's a cutie, and at the same time, a babe.

But thinking about him like that makes me cry.

Kase minsan I cant believe na eto na yon.

Na I would ever find this kind of love ever (or is it again?)

Anyway.

It's in that cute way he guffaws when he finds me amusing.

His "tough guy" face, which is reaaaally sweet if you ask me.

His gigil faces.
Him sleeping.
The way he eats in that cute boy way.

Tae I have to change blogs.

Aaaand tae, I'm so in love, it's disgusting.

Draft 2

I don't think I'm a caring person originally.

I don't show TLC ng basta basta lang.

Pero he needs it so bad, my TLC, I mean.

So how could I not TLC for him, when he's like this young boy

that needs to be fed and to be reminded of his bedtime?

My heart hurts for him.

He's such a boy.

Am I losing him?

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 12:54:02 +0100

Is this how I lose him?

Friday night with my cousin was supposed to be perfect.

It was fun until things went downhill.

I didn't know what happened, how it happened.

My cousin said it was the scariest night of her life,

the 2nd half of it.

I wouldn't know. I wasn't there.

Well I was, physically.

We were drinking with these boys.
They were giving us drinks.

She said she went to the bathroom and

then she came back to a different me.

And then I passed out. Cold. Like the dead.

Yes she said I looked dead.

She called my brother to come get us,

because I obviously can't drive in my condition.

She said we went to the car park together with 4 security guards.

And I was in a wheelchair. A freaking wheelchair.

Whenever she talks about it, how I looked then, she tears up.

She was freaked out because I wasn't even moving.

She said she was so scared that I won't wake up ever.

Then my brother and his friends arrived and they carried me to my car.

His friends were saying I was probably drugged.

My cousin was crying the whole time.

When we get to the house, that's when she realized that I was definitely drugged.

She said I wouldn't wake up even she and my mom were slapping me in the face.

My mom was crying and she wanted to take me to the hospital.

My brother suggested to make me drink water.

But they couldn't because my jaw was locked tight.

And I was shaking.

My cousin said I was shaking so much, she thought I was having a seizure.

She said we slept in a mattress under the stairs. Beside Bash's bed.

Pero I woke up upstairs, in my bed.

I woke up without a fucking clue.

How I got dressed, and how I drove home.

I was trying to recall what happened,

and I couldn't come up with anything.

My brother's friends said I was roofied.

That date rape drug.

They said that the place we went to was a rape pen.

Those boys who gave us drinks were younger than us.

Now, my boyfriend, my love, he said that that wasn't the girl he loves.

That that was a side of me he didn't know yet.

I made a mistake that night, but is he saying he made a mistake also?

That being with me is a mistake because he didn't know that that side of me exists?

I was hurt by what happened with me and boyfriend.

I guess I expected a different reaction.

He doesn't trust my words anymore.
Now I'm done. I'm done trying.

If ayaw nya maniwala na I won't do it again, na it won't happen again,

it just means na he doesn't understand what happened to me.

The trauma I mean, he cant understand that.

All he knows is that I didn't keep my word when I said that I will control

my alcohol intake.

But I've been drunk before.
It takes a lot more than what I drank that night to get me drunk.

But for me to shake uncontrollably, and to pass out that way,

that wasn't just alcohol.

Boyfriend said this kanina,
"Ayoko na. Ayoko na pahirapan ka pa. Ayoko na pahirapan pa sarili ko. Gusto ko na ulit tumawa."

I'm losing him aren't I?

I mean yes, ok, he has the control to end our fight kase ako yung may kasalanan.

But if it's not going to be real anymore, I don't want it.

I'm done.

I can get tired too, you know.

Send off with heavy hearts

Wed, 12 Feb 2014 01:36:51 +0100

I don't even know how to start this

I don't remember feeling this kind of pain ever

It hit me 4 hours after we sent them off
4 hours after we last held hands, kissed.

It hit me after I did my errands.
In my car, after I shut the door
Right after I took my earphones off.
When the music stopped,
When the noise finally died down,
When I was alone in my car.
Alone with my feelings and thoughts of him.

It hit me that that was the last time I'd feel his skin.
That that was the last time he'd be able to hold me in his arms,
Touch his hair, his face.
Look into his eyes and tell him I love him.

I started breathing hard and heavy
And before I knew it, I was dry heaving.
Then came the tears.

The pain was so physical, it's unreal.
Like I could literally feel my heart squeeze.
It was terrifying how physical it felt.
It's almost crippling.
I was ugly crying while clutching my chest,
Like I was scared that it's going to collapse.

The hit was so strong it's like a punch in my gut.

I knew from the beginning that this is going to hurt.
But not to this extent.

Why did I still do it?, you'll ask.
Because it's bound to happen. That's why.
Na kahit anong pagpigil gawin ko, IT WILL HAPPEN.
We were meant to fall in love again.
Kase there's no other way.
I can't even imagine myself with anyone else anymore.
He's everything I ever wanted. And more.

Yes, go on, mock me.
I know I'm (disgustingly) in love.
But how could I not be??
And I know that if I let this go, if I let him get away,
That it'd be the stupidest thing I ever did.
And I'd be known as the girl who let love go

He's my forever and always.

Fuck ang cheesy!
Shoot me now oh gosh.

bye.
Off to cry some more.

If this isn't it

Tue, 21 Jan 2014 08:16:55 +0100

Then I don't know what is

Iddis whaddiddis

Sun, 19 Jan 2014 13:12:08 +0100

"There's no words to explain how big it was,
what he and I had,
or how much it hurts when something that big in your life is swept away,
or how empty that place is he once filled,
or how impossible it is to find something to fill it,
but since everyone knew i drained myself empty...."

"I was remembering good stuff and for the first time
in a long time, those memories didn't come with pain."

DOTA Factor

Sun, 29 Dec 2013 09:06:27 +0100

I like games.
Games are fun.
Pero I hope you're not playing games with me.
Kase we all know na against you, lagi akong talo.

I never win.

And the kind of games you get me involved in,
They leave my heart massacred.

I trust you though.
I trust na you're not playing.
Pero sometimes,
You don't even realize how far ahead you are
in the game you don't even know you're playing.
And I end up losing.

Whatever this is, if this doesn't turn out well,
We all know na I'll be the one in blood.
We all know na baka hindi na ko maka recover this time.

Now look what you did.