Seriously where is my life heading?

When I said before that I wanted to live my life, do stupid stuff and be young,
I didn't mean it like this (or did I?)
I didn't mean that I should whore myself around
Is this what boredom does to me?
Well there's this other thing, other reason why I do this. To forget.
To forget that I almost fell in love. That I almost wanted a relationship.
But I was so stupid to think I wasn't ready, that I haven't milked out my single life just yet
That the stupid stuff I did before wasn't enough yet.

I feel like crying when I think about it
Why am I back here again?
I hate him. I hate talking to him.
I hate it that I force myself to talk to him.
Even if he disrespects me in every way.
I don't think he's aware of what he does, he's just rude and ill-mannered and cheap and bastos that way.

I don't want to do it. Not at all.
Pero maybe I should.
Punishment for pushing people away.
Punishment for pushing those people who are good for me, good to me away.

Bakit nga ba?
Why am I back here again ba?
When I said I want to live my life and be young
I didn't mean to fall back here

I only meant I want to go to the beach, meet people, go on a surfing tour
(even though I don't know how to surf)
Although I am, going on a some kind of a surfing trip I mean, this xmas break, with this guy I only met once,
He's a good guy, I know at least that much about him. And I trust him.
I wasn't really excited about going on a trip with him, perooooo I really have to do this.

Oh no, he just texted me. That crude guy I was talking about.
Kadiri.
He thinks he's being sweet pero please lang.
GAVOMITING ah (gagging and vomiting)
What do I say to that??

I'll lose self respect if I continue with this.