Oo nga, ano nga ba nangyayare?


"These are not the kind of feelings that I should be worried about," says me.

Sana dahil lang magkakaperiod na ko.

Lagi ko na lang excuse yan.

I don't understand what I feel right now.

I just know that it's not a good feeling.

Sad or confused or stressed or angry. Or as if I'm about to cry.

I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel anything.

Emotions, please go away.


I think this is the fastest that I've ever fallen for a guy.


Did I just say....?

I'll deny that tomorrow. Or next week. Or after my period is gone.


Well if that statement is true, then I have problems.


I like him but he has a girlfriend.

I love him, but everyday I'm yearning.

All my life I've only been pretending!

He doesn't like me the same way that I like him.

He might like me because….well I don't know.

I'm not even pretty.

I'm not even sexy.

I'm not even fun. Well I resent that, I can be fun with the right people.

Well he can't think I'm fun because I just wasn't (fun) during that time we were together.

I have weird hair. I really do, but I kind of like it now in a way.

I'm also an awkward child.

And I'm not even employed!


Wow look at how much of a catch I am!


I don't think he wants to hear my stories.

Even though I swear they're really funny.

I want someone who would listen to me yammer incessantly about my thoughts.

(Even though most of them are pretty much nonsense that shouldn't be shared to people because they might think you're not right in the head.)


Well there is someone I know who does that for me.

Even though I say all the weird stuff most of the time.

I know he likes me even though he doesn't say anything.

He likes me even on my fat days.

There is actually one time when I met with him and I didn't have make up on.

Kapal lang ng muka ko. Akala ko nga hindi na nya ko kakausapin ulit after non

Pero look he still invites me to hang out.

Patibayan lang ng sikmura I guess.

It's actually being more obvious lately how much he likes me.

It's getting scary.

I'm not ready for that.

I'm not ready for that kind of thing.

Not with him, no.

Not with someone as nice as him.


I never fall for the nice guys.

Actually I do, pero not when they like me first.

Like walang challenge na. He likes you na nga tas he's too nice pa.


I know girls aren't supposed to be challenged when it's the beginning of the relationship.

That's what he (Mr. Likes-me-too-much) told me.

He told me that it's always the girl's decision if she wants to be in the relationship or not.

That it's the guy's job to just wait for the girl to decide.

But where's the fun in that?

I mean how do you know if you really want someone enough if you don't work for it?

Like if it's just being offered in front of you?

Like, "Do you want this or not?"

As opposed to, "What do you want?" and when you finally do know, "Work hard and go get it if you really do."

How would you know how much it's worth if you don't work hard for it?

I mean, how can you appreciate something if you didn't suffer enough or felt pain enough just to get it?

Right? Am I making any sense?


It's just I don't really believe in that ligaw thing.

I know I say that I haven't experienced it yet,

The whole presents-and-housevisits kind of thing from guys.

And I say that I want to know how it feels like.

But then I'd rather not.

I hope I'm getting this wrong kase I don't know much about ligaw.

But I think na magpapaligaw ka kase you don't really like the guy enough para iboyriend sya.

So you make him be nice to you and shower you with presents and compliments so you'll like him enough.

Tama ba?


Oh I don't know anymore.

My point is lost in there somewhere.


What I was originally talking about earlier is me wanting the unavailable guy as opposed to me wanting the other guy who I think really likes me. A lot.

I don't even want to go into details with the things he does for me that made me think that.

It's really embarrassing. Like really.

I can't even think about it without cringing.

While I can't think about Mr. Unavailable without smiling or giggling or wanting to cry or haul my laptop against the wall.


So what I ACTUALLY wanted to talk about before I got lost trying to justify myself is that I think Mr. Unavailable and I had our first fight yesterday.

It is not cute trust me.

I want to punch a wall. Kidding. That's just my period talking.

Anyway so one night this weekend Mr. Unavailable and I were texting
We don't text much. But I promise I don't sit around and wait for his text.
This was after that movie thing.
We were talking about kissing. Go ahead and laugh. Ugh. I know.
And he was asking if it's really going to happen
Because, "...tuwing hahawakan kita parang ilag na ilag ka eh"
It's true. But that's just me being awkward. And thinking too much.
So I said, "I'll do better next time."
Now that was me being funny.
So yesterday mid morning when I got home from Taguig
Mr. Likes-me-too-much invited me to hang out.
I didn't want to because I was tired, broke, and starting to be really scared of what he might feel for me.
Then he was asking me what was he supposed to do now, and he really wanted to hang out with me.
So I said fine, yes, ok, go get ready, where do you want to go?
He said he has this place in mind (oh god i'm cringing again just thinking about it)
He said he's picking me up.
I get pissed whenever he asks me that.
No, because when he says he's picking me up, it means he's picking me up in Katip.
But how am I supposed to go there when he doesn't want me to drive???
He likes driving for me. Boys and their fucking cars.
CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE FUCKING CRINGE
So I said no, I'll drive.
He likes me too much. He wants to drive me home every freaking time.
Nothing's wrong with that but I'm really not comfortable with it.

Ok so I was getting ready. Reapplying my mascara.
When Mr. Unavailable called. Fuck.
He was asking where I was, what am I up to and stuff.
THEN he asked me out.
In my head, I was like, "Oh no, ano sasabihin ko?"
I went with the truth.
That I'm actually on my way out. That Mr. Likes-me-too-much wants to hang out.
And that I can't cancel it because he's on his way.
I was kind of holding my breath for his reaction.
Then he said, "Aaaahhhh" (a little too long if you ask me.)
"Talaga? San naman kayo pupunta?"
"Hindi ko nga alam eh." a little annoyed tone. Because I am. With Mr. Likes-me-too-much

"Aaaahhhh sige sige. Yun lang. Bye."

Then he texted,
"I'll do better next time pala ah. Sige mukang mas gusto mo kasama si *** kesa sakin. Hahahahaha ingat"
Wtf. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
WHY is he giving me stress???!
This whole thing isn't supposed to be stressful or complicated.
We were just having fun!
I texted back, "Ano naman gusto mo gawin ko about this?"
Then I forgot what he said because I deleted his texts because seeing his name on my phone makes me want to stab someone.
I remember trying to redeem my kasungitan saying na gusto ko naman sya kasama, it's just that nauna yung isa magsabi. And then I gave him my schedule.
Then he said something, then I said something,
then he said something then I said something with masungit content again, then he said,
"wtf. Wala naman ako sinabi ah. Sabi ko nga ingat eh. Sinusungitan mo naman ako ah"
WHAT A JERKFACE!
Fine it's my fault too because I was being masungit.
But I was stressing over Mr. Likes-me-too-much!
I can't use that on him as an excuse can I??!
So I said, "Wala hindi lang kita naintindihan. Ok na. Hayaan mo na."
And he said, "Okay"

To say that it didn't go too well is an understatement.
I messed it up.
I think he won't talk to me again ever.
I don't want to lose him yet
I will never have giggly, smiley, fluffy feelings again.
I wish I didn't like him this much.
If I could redo it, I would.
I won't tell him I was about to go out with Mr. Likes-me-too-much
But I'll just say no to his invite and say that we can go out some other time this week.
I'll pretend that I'm forever available for him
(even though he fucking isn't and he doesn't ever hear me say any fucking thing about it)
But let's face it, I still can't commit to one guy at the moment.
But that's for a whole set of reasons that is meant for another post.

I guess that other chance I wanted will never happen now right?
I just wish I don't like him this much.
It's making me angry that I do.

I better start focusing on other things.

I guess that line has more meaning to me now.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Corny ko. Fucker.