So here's what I found out today.


The ex lived with him.

In his house.

With his family.

While they were together.

With his family.

With his ate, his brother, his dad, his stepmom, the dogs.

They lived together.


Can someone tell me what to properly feel about that?

Inggit ba?

Or galit?

Kase I definitely feel both, and some.

I have no idea they were that serious.


The scenes kept playing in my head.

I can't help it.


Kisses before he leaves the house for work.

Kisses when he gets home.

Kisses when he's pagod.

Preparing food for him.

Making his coffee.

Touching all the time.

Freaking holding hands while eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Freaking holding hands while watching tv.

FREAKING cuddling. Sleeping.

Waking up next to each other.

The cute "Hey's" in the morning.

Lazy weekends in bed.


I get it ok?

It's the past and I get that he wasn't always mine.

He gets to have a life after me.

Pero I can't help but compare.

This happened to him within weeks after we broke up.

And they were that serious.


I mean, how could you do that?

How COULD you?

When I can't even cuddle and freaking hold hands YEARS after we broke up.

Because I was still yours and you didn't even know it.

Heck, I didn't even know it.


You said you just "clicked" with her. Whatever the fuck that means.

So you "clicked" weeks after we broke up.

And I had my first crush 3 YEARS after you.

I know, I know it's still not your fault.

It's not your fault I became a heartless bitch after we broke up.

Was it different for me, than it was for him? I mean our relationship.
Was it differentfor me?
He said he was at his lowest during those times, our breaking up days.
But wasn't I depressed?
Wasn't I unhappy? YEARS even after we broke up?


When I first found out about them, his new girl.

I thought it was pretty fast. Everyone did.

Then I thought that maybe he's one of those people.

The ones who can't stay single for long.

One of those who always have to have someone to say "I love you" to.

Or their hearts get lonely.

But then they broke up, and he stayed single for a long time.

Does that mean that he didn't get over her until now?

No no no no brain, please don't go there.
Or was she her rebound from me?
Really? Rebound ng dalawang taon??
NO.


Anyway,

I know there's a more mature way to approach this discovery.

And I'm sorry I have immature feelings.

But I can't help it.

I guess I kind of felt betrayed, in a way.

But that still wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his fault that he wasn't always mine,

While I was always his. Even subconsciously.

No that wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his fault that we're different kinds of people.


I guess that it's partly inggit I feel.

Over a lot of things.

The things mentioned above.

The things I picture them doing.

She, the ex, doesn't have a face in my mind.

I just know that she's this cutesy girl.

The kind that I usually can't stand because I'm a  bitch who hates overly cute girls.

So yon, inggit I guess, kase she got to live with him.

And inggit kahit na I'm NOT AT ALL ready to live with him.

I mean, I can't even let him call me "wifey" for fuck's sake!

Kase I think that that's too serious.

I can't even let him tell me stuff like he wants to marry me kase it's too serious for me.

I mean being called "wifey" feels nice pero I can't help but feel na masyadong seryoso.

It's no one's fault but mine.

Kase duwag yung heart ko.

I feel this inggit kase duwag yung heart ko, while hers isn't.

You see, naiinggit ako na kaya nyang gawin yon.

Be that serious with him.

Pero takot naman ako maging ganon kaseryoso.

My heart isn't ready.

I know na pag pinagpatuloy ko yung ganto, I'll end up losing him.


Can someone stab me now?

Para matapos na.

I'm not making sense anymore.


Kaya nga TELL ME.

What am I supposed to feel about this?

I'm confused.

It's a heavy feeling, and I don't want it.


I wish I didn't find out.

I think he wasn't expecting this kind of reaction from me.

It's not his fault.

It's not his fault that I can't be mature about this.

Pero sabi nila wala naman daw mababaw na reasons.

Kase what if for you mababaw, pero for that person, iba yung meaning.

I don't know.

Ayoko na i-justify yung pagiging immature ko.


I want to forget about it.

Pero whenever I see his face.

Lagi kong naiisip,

"How could you?"


Really, can someone coach me?

What am I supposed to feel about this?