Is this how I lose him?


Friday night with my cousin was supposed to be perfect.

It was fun until things went downhill.

I didn't know what happened, how it happened.

My cousin said it was the scariest night of her life,

the 2nd half of it.


I wouldn't know. I wasn't there.

Well I was, physically.

We were drinking with these boys.
They were giving us drinks.

She said she went to the bathroom and

then she came back to a different me.

And then I passed out. Cold. Like the dead.

Yes she said I looked dead.


She called my brother to come get us,

because I obviously can't drive in my condition.


She said we went to the car park together with 4 security guards.

And I was in a wheelchair. A freaking wheelchair.


Whenever she talks about it, how I looked then, she tears up.

She was freaked out because I wasn't even moving.

She said she was so scared that I won't wake up ever.

Then my brother and his friends arrived and they carried me to my car.

His friends were saying I was probably drugged.


My cousin was crying the whole time.

When we get to the house, that's when she realized that I was definitely drugged.

She said I wouldn't wake up even she and my mom were slapping me in the face.

My mom was crying and she wanted to take me to the hospital.

My brother suggested to make me drink water.

But they couldn't because my jaw was locked tight.

And I was shaking.

My cousin said I was shaking so much, she thought I was having a seizure.


She said we slept in a mattress under the stairs. Beside Bash's bed.

Pero I woke up upstairs, in my bed.


I woke up without a fucking clue.

How I got dressed, and how I drove home.

I was trying to recall what happened,

and I couldn't come up with anything.


My brother's friends said I was roofied. 

That date rape drug.

They said that the place we went to was a rape pen.

Those boys who gave us drinks were younger than us.


Now, my boyfriend, my love, he said that that wasn't the girl he loves.

That that was a side of me he didn't know yet.


I made a mistake that night, but is he saying he made a mistake also?

That being with me is a mistake because he didn't know that that side of me exists?

I was hurt by what happened with me and boyfriend.

I guess I expected a different reaction.


He doesn't trust my words anymore.
Now I'm done. I'm done trying.

If ayaw nya maniwala na I won't do it again, na it won't happen again,

it just means na he doesn't understand what happened to me.

The trauma I mean, he cant understand that.

All he knows is that I didn't keep my word when I said that I will control

my alcohol intake.

But I've been drunk before.
It takes a lot more than what I drank that night to get me drunk.

But for me to shake uncontrollably, and to pass out that way,

that wasn't just alcohol.


Boyfriend said this kanina,
"Ayoko na. Ayoko na pahirapan ka pa. Ayoko na pahirapan pa sarili ko. Gusto ko na ulit tumawa."

I'm losing him aren't I?


I mean yes, ok, he has the control to end our fight kase ako yung may kasalanan.

But if it's not going to be real anymore, I don't want it.

I'm done.

I can get tired too, you know.